Behind domestic violence
Last week when the family was watching the early night news
programme on the local TV channel I was shocked to hear the news reader say a
software engineer hacked his wife in her office a few minutes ago. The
desperado cut his own throat after doing his wife in and was battling for life.
The site of the incident, it was reported, was
Sholinganallur, the hub of IT offices in Chennai, the state capital. Though my
eyes were still on the TV screen what the news reader rattled on registered
only partially on my mind. My imagination was racing on a separate track
visualizing what could have happened before the gory incident.
What made the husband mad? Was he disappointed not to find
her at home when he returned from office? Had she rang him back about her
urgent work at office against his strict orders to be back home early?
Was their kid ailing and needed the mother’s care? Was he
inept or impatient to be the kid’s nurse?
Or, had they planned previously to spend the evening
somewhere to which her sudden assignments put a brake?
Was she habitually returning home late in spite of his
dislike for it? Have they had too many fights over the matter? Was he unfair in
not understanding the deadline tensions of his wife? Was she deliberately
disobeying his reasonable conditions?
Was he under the effects of spirit? Was he a suspicious Othello?
What was his problem? What could have led to this ghastly culmination? Who
deserved more blame? Who is really guilty?
Such sensational stories are on the increase in our media.
This happens in all the strata of society – from the slum-dwellers to residents
of posh bungalows.
Domestic violence has many faces. Besides plain, blind rage
that leads to brutal murder there are numerous modes of torture which are very
cruel, nerve-chilling, soul-bruising and mind-numbing.
Men can act like wicked Machiavellians, scheming,
unscrupulous sadists who love to see the lady of the house in tears. It is
inexplicable but it is a misconstrued sign of mastery, I presume. The Stone Age
man who broke the woman’s bones with cudgels lives on in the modern, civilized
man, I fear.
It is not the uneducated alone who taunt their wives with
ugly names but the so-called intellectuals are not lagging behind in hurling
loathsome, foul words on their wives. These are more deadly and painful than
the poisoned darts of the aborigines.
Are the men not using this technique of verbal violence too
long? Yes, I think they are. Women are successfully cultivating a thick skin
against this cheap, easy trick of men.
Education, emancipation, economic independence and the
government’s judicious policies and laws are helpful in hardening the shells of
women and they are beginning to slug on with more confidence and productivity.
In spite of the giant leaps we have taken in modern life
with completely changed lifestyles, customs and concepts it is undeniable the
male psychology has not budged an inch from the luxury of a bygone era: he
expects a cheerful wife greeting him with hot chai and fresh samosas, a smiling
wife sitting by his side watching his favourite TV programmes, a brisk wife who
hushes the kids to sweet slumber, a talented wife turning into a multi-cuisine
chef serving him a delicious dinner.
Men of the past generations were grooved to this one-way
traffic, never for a moment thinking of changing roles once in a while and
stand upon his lady as she always stood on him, her lord.
A lot can be done to hasten women’s progress and their
complete liberation from domestic violence.
Charity begins at home is the saying. So does basic training
in manners and culture/refinement. Inculcation of values is the proper solution
to this disgusting problem. ‘Catch them young’ is what I advise. It is the duty
of the parents, esp. the mother, to teach the kids to respect all human beings
irrespective of sex.
It is painful to still see the vestiges of the bad custom of
treating male children better than female children. Even among siblings the
superiority of the male child still exists. This has to be relentlessly
eradicated.
Next comes the proper understanding of the nature of both
men and women – the fundamental differences in their way of reasoning,
reacting, emoting and perceiving. There is cent percent truth in saying men are
from Mars and women are from Venus. They are completely different as two
different species. Yet they are created as complementary to each other.
With perfect understanding they can overcome all hurdles and
live a meaningful, fulfilling life. How we bring up our children makes a huge
difference in the amount of compatibility they are capable of acquiring in
later life.
Men before tying the knot should pledge to give equal rights
to his wife and strive to keep the pledge. The question of ego has no place in
the husband-wife relationship.
The couple should try to solve the disagreements between
them through calm discussions and reasoning-outs. Arguing upon the pros and
cons is not bad but obstinate sticking to one’s views is. Each must put oneself
in the other’s shoes and realize how it feels. It is only fair to do so.
When desperate seeking counseling can be more helpful, esp.
in the present nuclear family scenario. In the good old days elders in the
joint family acted as buffers and forestalled big storms. Their wise and kind
counsel came a long way in maintaining domestic peace and decorum.
One thing that the men must understand is that it is not at
all difficult to please women. Woman is not at all a greedy wretch. Her expectations/desires
are unbelievably simple! The popular belief that men must spend heaps of money
on diamonds to please women is utterly untrue. Just a pat on the back, a peck
on the cheek, a kind look, one word of appreciation – these will make her your
willing slave.
Be generous – forgive and forget. No one is flawless.
Practically no good comes out of harping on old hurts and grudges. Bury the
past’s grievances and welcome each day as a new, fresh page in the novel of
marital bliss.
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